Thoughts on Suicide Awareness Day

I'm no stranger to suicide.

I'm not going to tell you that one call to a hotline will solve everything, that you'll magically wake up full of joy and verve and purpose. I am 26 (almost 27) and I've struggled with depression, anxiety, and bipolar depression since I was in my early teens (and probably before that, but I've done a good job of blocking out my childhood).

The nature of my illness, something I've talked to Mage about many times, is that I forget what works. I set up support systems, make lists of Good Things, go to a counselor, go to a doctor, get on meds -- and then when I'm feeling good, I destroy all that. And yet, every time I am shocked to find myself at the bottom again, in the spaces of suicidal ideation, of anxiety attacks and midnight sobbing,  of feeling hopeless and worthless and empty. When I am there that is all my world consists of. There is no hope, no chance of escape. I think: Come on, self. You were happy and functioning and excited less than a month ago! But I cannot remember what that felt like. Until I start taking care of myself again, utilizing those resources, getting better. Then I am amazed at what lengths my mind has gone to try and kill me. I am shocked at the delusions and the desperation.

Depression and mental illnesses are different for everyone. Growing up, a close family member repeatedly attempted suicide. Struggling with mental illness, several misdiagnoses, and a world that isn't always the safest or softest place to land, he was hospitalized and eventually got help and got stable. Working to maintain that help and stability is something we have in common, though his illnesses differ in some very particular ways from mine.



A big part of the reason he got help, and later that I got help, was my mother. She was willing to believe -- though she hadn't experienced it herself -- that what we were feeling was real, and that there had to be another way to go through life.

I know that a lot of people don't have that lifeline. Don't have a supportive family member, or friend. Don't have insurance, or experience with getting the help they need. Maybe they've tried before and gotten burned. Maybe you are one of those.

If you are feeling suicidal, or experiencing mental illness or situations that you think might lead you to suicide... or even if you aren't, here are some things to remember.

1) Life isn't easy, but it can get better.
2) You deserve better. You deserve to feel safe, healthy, loved, and cared for. You deserve a chance.
3) There are resources available to you. They might not be obvious or convenient. We don't all have parents willing to go out on a limb, or money to spend, or friends who respect what you are experiencing. They might not be the first thing you try. They might not even be the third, fourth, or fifth.
4) Remember that depression and other mental illnesses are Not Your Fault. Chemical imbalances, hormones, and outside triggers can all be a part of a suicidal crisis. What worked yesterday may not work tomorrow, but with the right support system, you will find something that works again. Consider medication and talk to your doctor about how it affects you. Consider counseling. Consider positive activities. Consider group counseling. Don't be afraid to take action when you are in a crisis. Hospitalization and intensive care may seem drastic, may seem unattainable, but if the result is an alive you with access to other methods of care -- that lost weekend or week or month or three is worth it. You are worth it. Remind yourself of what works. Remind yourself that there are good days.

Here are some of those resources*:
If you are considering suicide, read this first
National Suicide Prevention Hotline (24-7)
Suicide Prevention and Peer Support Organizations
Some quick and basic tips from Help Guide
Can't talk on the phone? Chat on IMAlive.org

Resources for care don't end after the suicide crisis. Here are some resources for continuing mental health care:
National Alliance on Mental Illness can help you find a doctor or counselor, even if you don't have insurance or need special pay considerations

*Unfortunately, this list only reflects resources available in the United States. If you know of other resources, in the US or out, I'll be glad to add them to this list.